Tuesday, January 29, 2019

BTRTN: Boycott Starbucks!


Steve is tired of billionaires and their delusional messianic visions... particularly when they brazenly endanger the rest of us. Let's send a message to Howard Shultz: we like our coffee with no milk, sugar, pompous posing, or destructive egomania.

Over the course of my adult life, I have worked diligently to winnow my list of bad habits, weaknesses, and foolish indulgences down to a manageable number, and yet there is one dependency that has proven a bridge too far.

I drink way too much coffee. 

Every time some medical journal reports that a huge study has definitively proven that excessive caffeine is bad for you, I, to my shame, immediately google “medical studies that prove that caffeine is good for you” to justify my continued addiction.

But Howard Shultz may have finally accomplished what the American Medical Association could not: he has made me want to lead a national boycott of Starbucks. Join me, please. Pass this article on to both your friends, caffeinated and decaffeinated alike. This doesn't bug me a little, it bugs me a latte. We need to bring Howard Schultz to his knees, and I know exactly how to do it. We are going to punish this self-involved egomaniac and force him to abandon his presidential aspirations by giving him a double-shot right right in the frappuccino.

The quick background: on Sunday Starbucks founder Shultz became the latest billionaire to conflate entrepreneurial savvy in a specific industry with comprehensive qualifications to lead the free world. Howard Shultz thinks he should be President of the United States, and is exploring running as a third party, independent candidate.

Let us reflect for a moment on how devastating his egomania could be for our country.  Shultz may claim to be an “independent,” but this guy leans left on just about every issue. As such, he would siphon away far more votes from a Democratic candidate than from Donald Trump. 

Shultz, free to spend billions of dollars of his own money on this venti-sized ego wank, could easily percolate three percentage points off a Joe Biden in Pennsylvania. He could cold-brew several thousand votes away from an Amy Klobuchar in Wisconsin. He could pry a few thousand baristos away from voting for Kamala Harris in Michigan.

Howard Schultz could win just enough votes to re-elect Donald Trump President of the United States. 

Do not dismiss this heinous possibility. This writer will never forgive the hopeless presidential bid of Ralph Nader, who pulled just enough votes away from Al Gore in Florida in the 2000 election to elect George Bush President. I hope that Ralph Nader goes to sleep each night thinking about how many Iraqi children died because of his pathetic need to masterbate in public. 

Hey, Howard, do you want me to call off the national boycott of Starbucks? Run as a Democrat. Go through the same test of viability that everyone else is going to be put through. Better yet, run as a Republican. You could really help if you spent some your grande billions beating up Trump in a savage primary battle. Besides, there are far fewer candidates over on the Red team, and they seem to go for unproven arrogant billionaires who have a better handle on marketing than on, say, global geopolitics.

But if you want to take your billions and declare a national candidacy on a third party ticket, then you are just using your coffee money to avoid the humiliation of getting crushed in real primary battles so you can skip right on to the Superbowl. Even Tom Brady doesn't get to do that.

And here is what really roasts my beans, you pompous pumpkin-spice poser, you know damn well that you don’t have a chance of winning the Presidency on an independent ticket. You know that you are just making a grab for fame and glory without the slightest risk that you would actually have to do the job. This is just a self-indulgent lark to elevate your personal brand, which happens to be the exact same rationale used by the dimwit who is currently in the White House. Above all, you obviously don't give a damn if the consequence of your ego trip is helping keep Donald Trump in the White House.

How’s this, Shultz? If you want to buy your way into a rogue run for the White House, you are going to find out just how far Americans will go to make sure Donald Trump does not get re-elected President.

When we see rich guys helping Donald Trump, we are inclined to grind up them up finer than a pound of Tanzanian Peaberry.

We’ll start by giving up coffee. Starbucks Coffee, specifically

No more vente, soy, non-fat, no foam, half-sweet macchiatos with caramel drizzle for this guy.

And, oh, by the way, cancel the orders from my sixty million Democratic friends, too. 

Boycott Starbucks, everyone!

Please pass the word. These things take time, but they can be incredibly powerful. 

Do you know what a three percent drop in same-store month-to-month sales would do to this guy’s dreams of being a political rock star?

Let’s all make this guy realize that his ego trip is wreaking havoc on his company, and he will run screaming from this race. 

Get him out, before he does real damage.

Get him out, before he is in a position to help Trump win. 

Make him an example that we can use to keep other billionaire creeps like him out of the game.

Please, everyone. Pass this on to your friends. No more Starbucks for anybody until Howard Shultz abandons this potentially catastrophic jerk-off. 

Besides, hey -- it’s time I pulled back on the caffeine. 



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2 comments:

  1. Please don't run. Look at the damage done by Bernie Sanders, Ralph Nader et al.

    ReplyDelete

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